tW OUR rATAI,()fU:K_KIiEE TO AXY OXK. ,m 




SSI 



AMES' SERIES OF 

STANDARD AND MINOR DRAMA. 
NO. 148. 



EH? WHAT DID YOU 

SAY? 



«-§!= 



with oast op charaotkrs, rntranoes, akd exits, relative pobltfons ry 

of the performers ox the stage, description of cos- ^^ 
tumes, and the whole of the stage business, 

caeekclly surked from the ^ 

most approved act- ^ 

IXO COPY. '^ 



PRICE 15 CENTS. 



CLYDE, OHIO: 
A. D. AMES, PUBLISHER. 




Hints to Amateurs.— Now ready. A book of useful an<l practical information 
for amateurs, in which all manner of ^iiiestionp pertaininir to sra;;e work and effects 
are plainly answered. Price ].t cents. 



Ames' Edition of Plays. 

FIFTEEN CENTS EACH UNLESS OTHERWISE MARKED. 



NO. 

129 

132 

12 

30 



M. V. 

Aar-u-ag-ons 2 1 

Actor "and Servant , 1 1 

A Capital Match ... 3 2 

A Day Well Spent 7 5 



2 A Desperate Game 3 2 

75 Adrift 6 4 

80 Alarmino-ly Suspicious ... 4 3 

136 A Legal Ilolidny 5 3 

39 A Life's Revenge 7 5 

124 An Afflicted Family 7 5 

78 All Awful Criminal 3 3 

15 An Unhappy Pair : 11 

65 An Unwelcome Return... 3 1 

31 A Pet of the Public 4 2 

21 A Romantic Attnchment.. 3 3 
43 Arrah de Bangh 7 5 

123 A Thrilling Item 3 1 

73 At Last 7 1 

20 A Ticket of Leave..... 3 2 

125 Aukl Robin Gray 25c 13 3 

100 



liurora Floyd 7 3 

89 Beauty of Lyons, U 2 

8 Better Half 5 

98 Black Statue 3 

113 Bill Detrick 6 

86 Black vs White 4 

14 Brigands of Calabria 6 

22 Captain Smith 3 

84 Cheek Will Win 3 

145 Cuff's Luck 2 

49 Der Two Surprises 1 

72 Deuce is in Him 5 

19 Did I Dream it 4 

42 Domestic Felicity 1 

60 Driven to the Wall 10 

i52 Driven from Home 7 

143 Emigrant's Daughter 8 

148 Eh? What Did You Say.. 3 

173 East Lynne 7 

27 Fetter Lane to Grnvesend.. 2 

Fun in a Post Office 4 

Give Me My Wife 3 

Hal Hazard, 25c 8 

Handy Andy 2 

Hans, the Dutch J. P 3 

Hash.... 4 

Henry Granden It 

Hidden Treasures 4 

Hints on Elocution 

130 Hints to Amateurs 

76 How He Did It 3 2 



! 154 
13 

117 
24 
66 

116 
52 

141 
17 



NO. 

153 
103 



M. F. 

Haunted House 2 

How Sister Paxey got Her 



Child Baptized 2 1 

50 How She has Own Way... 1 3. 

140 How He Popped Quest'n.. 1 1 

74 How toTame M-in-Law.. 4 2 

35 How Stout Y'r Getting ... 5 2 

26 Hunter of the Alps 9 4 

47 In the Wrong Box ......... 3 

95 In the Wrong Clothes 5 3 

77 Joe's Visit 2 

11 John Smith 5 

99 Jumbo Jum 4 



82 Killing Time. 



1 

9 Lady Audley's Secret 6 

3 Lady of Lyons 12 

127 Lick Skillet Wedding 2 

106 Lodgings for Two 3 

104 Lost 6 

46 Man and Wife 12 

139 Matrimonial Bliss 1 

91 Michael Erie 8 

36 Miller of DerwentW'tr... 5 

88 M s:;hievous Nigger 4 

34 Mistletoe Bough 7 

69 Mother's Fool 6 

1 Mr. and Mrs. Prinffle 7 

23 My Heart's in Highl'ds .. 4 

32 My Wife's Relations 4 

128 Musical Dtirkey 2 

149 New Years in -N. Y 7 

90 No Cure, No Pay 3 

61 Not as Deaf as He Seems 2 

37 Not So Bad After All 6 

44 Obedience 1 

81 Old Phil's Birtihday 5 

150 Old Pompey 1 

33 On the Sly 3 

109 Other People's Children.. 3 

146 Our AwlurAunt 4 

126 Our Daughters 8 

85 Outcast's Wife 12 

83 Out on the World 5 

53 Out in the Streets 6 

57 Paddy Miles' Boy 5 

29 Painter of Ghent : 5 

114 Passions ^ 

18 Poacher's Doom 8 

134 Pomp's Pranks 2 

165 Persecuted Dutchman 6 



EH? WHAT DID YOU SAY? 

A FARCE, 



IN THREE SCEiq'ES, 



BY — 



MRS. H. M. TOLER, 



With the exits and entrances, positions of the performers on the 

stage, and the whole of the stage business carefully marked, 

from the author's original manuscript. 



-«£i=:^zz-?H. 



Entered according to act of Congress in the year 1SS5, by 

A. D. AMES, 
in the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington. 






■CLYDE, OHIO:- 



A. D. AMES, PUBLISHER. 



t^^^ 



EH? WHAT DID YOU SAY? 



-P\^ 



CHARACTERS. 

Mx. Belden a deaf man 

Major Joseph Vandeleur pretending to be deaf 

Charlie Mann in love icith Clara 

Clara Belden „ a nice young lady 



-0- 



COSTUMES. 

Mr, Belden. — Modern old man, bald wig. 

Charlie. — Dress, or business suit. 

Clara. — Modern home toilet. 

Major. — Must make up to look middle aged, tall thin, seedy, black 
well-worn suit. Coat buttoned close across his breast at first, as if to 
conceal deficiency of shirt front, a genteel stove-pipe hat. 



SCENEBY.—JDMAWING BOOM INTEBIOB. PARK, 



TIME OF BEBBESENTATIOI^—THIBTY MINUTES. 



Eh? What Did You Say? 



ACT I. 



!SCENE FIRST—A drawing room, window at c. Clara discovered seated 
idly picking to pieces a rose — 7iear her is a table with work-basket &c. 

'Clara, I do not know what I want, only I'm sure it is nothing I have, or 
•can get. I am sick of this imprisonment, sick of constantly hoping and 
constantly being disappointed. I wonder if my father has the notion that 
I shall be an old maid ! That patriarch who came so near cooking his son, 
seems to me now to have been a gentle old soul. What was his sacrifice, 
to that which is being made of me — on the altar of my father's deafness 1 
Before he ceased to hear, he di^ not object to my going into company, and 
gentlemen calling to see me. But now ! And when a young man writes, 
and proposes to him for me — for of course a young man of any delicacy oi 
feeling, could never shout about such a matter— he calmly tears up the 
letters, and shakes his head, and says to himself monotonously, **No, no, 
that is not the one I have imagined." If he only would not think aloud 
it would not be so bad, but when I hear that, I feel as if I could scream 
■with rage. What new horror for ray sacrifice, has he evolved from his 
brain? Ah! Here he comes; I should not blame him altogether, for he 
used to be a good papa, but there are some things he forgets, or don't 
know, about young women. 

JEnter Mr. Belden, l., carrying a book, following the lines with his jfinger as 

reads aloud. 

Mr. B. "Peafness, is oneof the most insupportable of afflictions 1" Ah I 
Yes, it is indeed, "cutting off its victim from all sweet enjoyment of society 
;and love," — that admits of a modification. The author of this appreciates 
deafness, but does not possess a realizing sense of matrimony. The fact 
that her storms never caused my tympanum to vibrate, and so did not annoy 
me, killed my poor wife — and prolonged my existence 

During this, Clara hears a tohistle, looks out of the window, nods, throws 
« kiss, starts to leave the room, then stops picks up a chair slams it down 
molently, looks at her father who makes no sign, and hurries out, 

Mr. B. {continues reading) "Of society and love. Happily, unless 
tthere is a radical injury to the organism of the ear, there are but few cases 
«of quiet incurable deafness, {seats himself , puts both fingers in his ears, as 
9ie reads on) Obstruction of the auricular cavities, is a frequent cause." 
a^o, I do not find any radical injury to my organism, or any obstruction 
(£)i m V cavities* 



i .EH? WHAT DID YOU SAY? 

Enter from b., Major Joseph Vandeleur, 

Major. Ahem ! . 

Mr, B. Ah! What a terrible infliction, a curse this is, to conie theua 
upon one. 

Major, {with a start) That remark seemed to have a personable ap- 
plication, {aloud) I hope I do not intrude, sir, I have been recommended 
to^ou by. a friend. 

Mr. B. {still searching in his ears) And to think I can hear nothing 
from that famous doctor, to whom I have written I Perhaps he is sick, or 
has left the city, or is dead." {takes tip book again. 

Major, (aside) This old buffer is certainly deaf 1 

3Ir. B. {taking up a letter) »<My dear Beldon, T take the liberty as an 
old friend, of telling you that I interest myself a great deal in your pretty 
daughter, and I think I have found an excellent husband for her — a young 
man who is handsome, rich and accomplished, {tears the letter up, saying) 
No, no, that is not the one whom I have imagined ! 

Major. Now, I am generally reckoned a pretty clever fellow, how can I 
make any thing of this? 

Mr. B. He will come in good time, but these young men whom they 
propose to me — bah ! I'm not in the market for husbands ; it is a deaf man 
whom I seek. I want a dea/raan, a very deaf m^n, I would make him his 
fortune if I had him. 

Major. I will be his deaf man, egad ! I would be blind and be led by 
a poodle, if it seemed to my advantage. {advanciTig ivith superb boio touches 
Mr. B. on shoulder) Have I the pleasure of addressing Mr. Belden? 

Mr. B. A little louder if you please. 

Major, {with his hand to his ear) Excuse me, but you will have to speak 
very distinctly, or I cannot hear you. 

Mr. B. Oh", joy ! {to the Major, loud) Are you deaf? 

Major, {in a voice of thunder) I see youi* lips move, so I know you are 
speaking, but I do not hear you. 

Mr. B. Ah, heaven ! What happiness, he is more deaf than I am. {in a 
voice like hailing a ship at sea) Who are you ? 

Major, (loud) My name, is Major Joseph Vandeleur — a gentleman of 
means and leisure, making a pedestrian tour for my health. I lost my 
hearing by the wind of a cannon ball in battle ! , 

Mr. B. ' Ah ! Happiness supreme, his organism is damaged, he is in- 
curable, decidedly heaven sends me this man. {yells) Listen to me I 

Major, {howling) I will try~{aside) — if I do not find you blasting out 
the drums of my ears at that rate. 

Mr. B. {always very loud) Are you a bachelor ? 

Major. Yes, 

Mr. B. I think he said yes, oh, he must have said yes, it Avould be too 
cruel in fortune to send me so deaf a man, who already had a wife, {at tem- 
pest pitch) I think you said you were unmarried? {Major nods.- 

Mr. B. Good, very good, excellent ! Now listen to me. 

Major, {aside) Asjf I could help it; I begin to long for a change of 
company.- 

Mr. B. I propose to offer you the hand of my daughter ; I do not know 
if you will please her, when I come to look at you I rather think you will 
not, but you please me, why, do you suppose? {Major sJn-ugs his shoulders) 
You might be young, rich, handsome, and still you should not have my 
daughter, why ? 

Major. Give it up ! 

Mr. B. Because you are deaf, you wonder at that? I will tell you why, 
you may not have noticed it, but I am a little hard of hearing myself ; sup- 
pose my daughter marries a man Avho hears perfectly, what will be the re- 
sult? The tone of family conversation will never reach my ears, I will b« 
completely shut out from all domestic intercourse, or be compelled to.shouU 



EII? WHAT DID YOU SAY? 5 

every minute, "Eh? What did you say ?" On the other hand, ifniy daugh- 
ter marries a man, whose hearing is as defective as mine, and yours is even 
worse, the family conversation will be carried on in a tone that will reach 
my ears naturally, and I shall be quite at home, do you see? 

Major, The sublime egotism of this old assassin, makes him superb! 

Mr. B. You shall dine with me, and at dinner I will introduce you to 
your future wife. 

Major, (aside) I am a courageous man, and the prospect of dinner is 
tempting, but I leel like taking to my heels, — such a fatber- in-law 1 

Mr. B. Before dinner you may Avish to remedy the disorder of travel in. 
your toilet; you can do so in my room, afterward if you choose to stroll 
round the grounds tor half an hour or so you can do so. I will beg you to 
excuse me, as 1 have some letters to write, I will have you called when 
dinner is ready. {shows hun from the room. 

SCENE SECOND.— A garden or park, Clara and Charlie, seated. 

Clara. Charlie, I really don't know what my father means by going on 
this way. 

Charlie. Eh? How's that? 

Clara. Oh, don't say ''eh ?" Anything in the world' but that, I'd rather 
you would shout at me than do tbat. 

Charlie. Well, my dear Clara, I was thinking of the future, and my mind 
did not readily come back from the golden land of hope and love. 

Clara.- Hope!, What hope have we? You know it will soon be winter, 
and we can't keep on meeting this way forever; even if it should always be 
summer it would not be proper. 

Charlie. The masculine mind fails to grasp the immense importance of 
that word. 

Clara. But Charlie, see here now, I have a notion of trying to get you in- 
to the house, where wc can at least see each other oftener, and good may 
come of it. 

Charlie. There is one of two ways I die, either your father sacrifices me, 
or I kill myself trying to talk to him. 

Clara. Now Charlie, be serious; talking to him -has not killed we; sev- 
eral times lately I have heard him say, for you know as I told you, he has 
the most aggravating way of thinking aloud — "If I only had a deaf va an, 
a very deaf one — if fortune would only send me such a one!" I don't know 
what he wants with one, but I propose to find out. You shall be his deaf man. 

Charlie. But lam not deaf. 

Clara. You must pretend to be. 

Charlie. . But would that be right? 

Clara. Oh, Charlie, are you going to make me persuade you to be near 
me? 

Charlie. Ko, no, there, I'm convinced, (kisses her) arrange it as you like. 

Clara. Well then I will return to the house, by way of the garden, and 
you may present yourself presently a§ a stranger, leave the rest to me. 

Charlie. Clara, you are growing very craity indeed. 

Clara. Who wouldn't grow crafty, but go — I am anxious to try our ex- 
periment, (exit both R. 

During the latter part of their conversation, the sharp visage of the Major is 
seen peering from amo'ng the trees, he steps out as they disappear. 

Major. If thai were my future wife, I should need to be bli7id as well as 
deaf. Well, let matters progress as they will, I shall have my dinner, and 
a little amusement perhaps. I seem quite the elegant fellow now, after my 
elaborate toilet , first from my pocket I brought forth a folding paper bosom 
&v4. ft stout piece of white paper, which a few minutes work with the scissors, 



$ ES? WHAT 3)ID YOU SAY? 

converted into a respectable collar; polishing ray shoes, x uiaouverea a 
couple of broken places, a bottle of ink on the table tinted the skin of one 
foot and the stocking on the other, a search brought forth two gloves of 
different sizes, one I wear, the other I carry jauntily in my hand thus. 
Several times during this metamorphosis of the grub into the butterfly, 
there were knocks at the door, but I remembered well the part I Was play- 
ing to hear them—I will explore the grounds farther. {exit l. 



8CEITE THIRD.— Same as first Mr. Belden, seated at taUe. Enter 
Clara, Vf..^ followed by Charlie, she touches Mr. Belden on the shoulder, spelling 
rapidly on her fingers^ 

Mr. B. Eh? Do you wish to see me? {Clara stilt spells on her fingers, 
and makes signs.) 

Mr. B. Eh? What? Deaf? No, no, I've seen that face before, he came 
here sometimes to see yoU) and is not deaf at all. 

Clara, (screaming at Charlie) He says he does not believe yon are deaC 

Charlie^ {aside) Never before, did 1 have any idea of the strength of hei 
lungs, {aloud) Oh, yes, unfortunately, the kick of a horse has injured my 
hearing beyond recovery. 

Mr. B. Eh ? What did you say ? 

Charlie, {same as before, but very loud) The kick of a horse, injured my 
hearing beyond recovery. 

Mr. B. If it were really so he would do as well as the other, and I haye 
no doubt would please my daughter better, at any rate I must not send him 
off too abruptly,'Ciara might retaliiate by being obstinate about the other 
one. 

Clara and Charlie look at each other. The Major's fact is seen at the door, 
and then withdrawn. 

Clara^' ] (^^^«^^«'') ^^^ ^^ ^^® °'^®^ ^^^"^ 

Mr. B. {to Charlie, in an ordinary tone) I am Very sorry sir, ^^ to hear of 
your misfortune. 

Charlie. A little louder sir, if you please. 

Major, {showing himself again) Ah 1 A nice little trick they are play- 
ing on papa. 

Mr. B. {loud) I say, I'm very sorry to hear of your misfortune. 

Charlie. Thank you, I accept your invitation with pleasure. 

Mr. B. Confound the fellow! He thinks I asked him to dinner. Well, I 
rather like the idea, he and the other are more deaf than I, I will hear 
every thing naturally without any trouble. Yes, decidedly, he shall dine 
with me too. 

Enter Major, l. 

Mr. B. Ah ! I am glad you have got back in good time for an introduc- 
tion to my daughter before dinner. Clara, my child, I present to you, your 

future huaband. Major confound his name, I have forgotten it, never 

mind — he has to some extent, the same affliction as myself, but you are so 
used to it, that you will not mind that. Major — I can't think of his con- 
founded name. 

Charlie, {aside to Clara) And so this Eobort Macaire looking fellow iS 
the *»other." ' 

Clara. A fellow who says "eh" also; heaven forbid I What a rascally 
looking 'other' he is. Oh, it cannot be ; the idea of such a scarecrow I 

Mr. Belden rings a bell on table, bending down to listen and shaking hi$ 
head in a dissatisfied way. Enter servant, r. 



EH? WHAT DID YOU SAY? 7 

Mr, B. Have the table laid for four, instead of three, {exit servant) 
That fellow who is only a servant can hear everything. 

{Charlie walks to the toindoio, and looks out. 
Major. I have had the pleasure of seeing you once before. Miss Belden. 
Clara. I'm sorry you do again, you villianous looking old fellow. 
Major. A little louder if you please. 

Enter servant, r., touches Mr. Belden, and shouts in his ear, "A gentleman 
inthedraioing room, loishesiosee yousir." Exit Mr. Belden, saying with a 
shout, "excuse me." The three seat themselves, Clara picks up some embroidery. 

Major. I have never so deeply regretted my affliction as at this moment 
as it robs me of the pleasure of hearing your natural voice, which I am sure 
must be all melody — happily nature seeks to make amends, by rendering 
more acute other senses to take the place of that which I have been deprived. 
I cannot hear your sweet voice, but I believe, that from the motion of your 
lips, my heart would read and understand the words you utter. Try my 
dear young lady, try if the magic of your speech would not cause the poor 
deaf man to hear. 

Clara, (doubtfully) Do you really think so? 

Major, There, you said "do you really think so," did you not ? 

Clara. Yes. 

Major. There, and again you said yes. Ah, I cannot hear others but I 
can hear you — they speak to my ears, but you to my heart. 

Charlie, {aside) And I shall punctuate pretty soon, by punching your 
head. By jove, a courtship under my very nose 1 

Clara, (aside) Hush! Charlie, not for worlds, (searching for something 
in the work-basket) You would betray that you can hear, and all would be 
lost ; but I begin to fear my father was in earnest, or this horrible creature 
would not talk so to me. 

Charlie. Then your father is crazy, as well as deaf; the idea of his marry- 
ing you to this thing, robbed, body. and raiment from a dozen graves I Who 
is he? Where did he come from ? I've a notion to— ^ 

Major. As I told you, I have had the pleasure of seeing you. I did not 
dreain then of the happiness in store for me, yet it was but a short time 
since, less than an hour ago in the park, 

Clara. In the park I 

Major. There, you said "in the park" you see, I understand the motion 
of your lips; yes, when you were so tenderly parting with this young 
person who is here now. 

Charlie. The devil ! 

Major. It shows me that you have a kind heart, to take such an interest 
in one who suffers from my own great affliction, and gives me much hope 
for our future happiness together. You possibly think you even love this 
young person now, but you are inexperienced — it is only sympathy you feel 
for him. A ,man of the world, would see tha.t he is gawky, self-conceit- 
ed and stupid you do not, I admire you more for the innocent freshness of 
your heart. 

Charlie. Oh, great heaven I I shall have to brain this fellow directly, 

Clara. Hush 1 Hush I 

Major. I thought you said "hush ?" Yes, you are right, I was thoughtless 
to speak so plainly, but am consoled that his feelings cannot be wounded, 
as he cannot hear me. Poor young man, you are indeed to be pitied, fortune 
was unkind in robbing you of one of your senses, you so much needed all of 
them to get through life. 

Charlie, (aside) But this is bitter I 

Clara. Allow me gentlemen, to show you my garden while waiting for 
dinnerc (exeunt c. 

Enter Mr. Belden, r. 

Mr. B. Ahl Joy, joy I I can hear! I can hear I That good doctor j 



§ EH? WHAT DID YOU SAY? 

That great doctor 1 He has saved me I Justly is he celebrated 1 When I 
had given np all hopes, he came like an angel, and in five minutes caused 
me to hear 1 My cavities- were obstructed after all, but the organism was 
all right, and now— now I can hear i natural voices, music, birds, and every 
thing! I can hear, and it seems to me doubly terrible to have been deaf. 
Deaf — Ah, that reminds me that I have two deaf men to dinner to-day ; if 
that good doctor could only have remained I could have talked with him, 
"but to sit for an hour and howl into the obstructed cavities of two deaf 
wretches. Oh, it is abominable ! And to think I was on the point of giving 
my daughter to one of them 1 I shudder to think vfhat it would be, to have 
a deaf Bon-in-law, a fellow who would be eternally ejaculating, "Eh? What 
did you say?" Oh, that v/ould be infernal 1 Well, but how am I to get rid 
of him? les, and of the other one, for whom my daughter evidently has 
a rediculous fancy, in spite of his diabolical defect. {aits down to reflect. 

En ier Clara and Charlie, G, 

Mr. B. {aside) Now I will listen, just for the sv/eet pleasure of hearing 
my child's, voice. 

Clara. Now, Charlie dear, do control yourself. I know he is an aggravat- 
ing wretch, but you m,ust not betray that you hear him, or he will tell papa 
and papa would be furious if he knew hov/ we had tricked him. 

Charlie, If that fellow knew that I am not deaf at all, and was trying 
to drive me wild, he could not say more. 

Mr. B. {aside) And this is my fine fellow, who suffers from the kick of a 
horse. 

Charlie. There is you father, Clara. 

Clara. Never mind, he cannot hear us. 

Charlie. What a soulless old ruffian he must be, to think of marrying 
you to such a beast as that. 

Clara. Papa does not reflect, but be patient, I will manage it, you must 
fool papa, and I will find some way of sending off this protege of his, with a 
flea in his ear j Jjim for a husband indeed! I'd run away with you first, 
Charlie. 

Charlie. The idea of your going through life, with a speaking trumpet in 
each hand, and a surrounding chorus of "Eh? What did you say ?" 

Clara. Oh, Charlie dear, I'd die first I One is bad enough even if he is 
my father, but two! 

Charlie, {kissing her) My poor darling. 

Clara. There conies that horrid wretch now, I am afraid to have you 
stay here, Charlie — go and sit down in the arbor until you are called for 
dinner ; do not come when the bell rings, for papa may be watching you, I 
will come for you. 

Mr. B. {aside) How horribly cunning this little minx is becomijig. 

Enter Major, c. d. 

Major. By the way, Miss Clara, pardon my abrupt question — but are you 
very much attached to that guileless youth, who has gone to air himself? 

Clara, {indignantly) Sir? 

Major. Do you fancy yourself very much in love with him ? 

Clara. You have no right to ask such a question, it is impertinent. 

Major. Not at all— I have the right of your prospective husband. 

Clara. You will never be my husband I I will kill myself first, or kill 
you 1 

Major. Do not excite yourself I that is bad. I think your father would 
regard his promise to me as more binding than your love passages in the park 
with somebody else. 

Clara. Why do you persecute me ? I do not love you, and never could, 
I hate you 1 . 



EH? WHAT DID YOU SAY? 9 

Major. That is very probable, but you ask me why? I will tell you 
frankly. For a poor deaf man, a comfortable home, the companionship of 
a beautiful woman, whose voice his heart understands, the means to gratify 
his tastes for little luxuries, all these things are of very great importance. 

Clara. But I tell you then — I love another man. 

Major. That is very probable— in fact I know that a great many men's 
wives do ; well I am philosophic, with roses thorns always grow, and the 
barbaric vice of jealousy is dying out. 

Clara. Clearly then, you only wish to marry me for what papa will give 
you with me? 

Major. That is not an unimportant consideration, when one marries a 
woman who is already in love with another man, and a father-in-law who 
is such a terrible nuisance, and a selfish old dunderhead to boot. 

Clara. Do not abuse my father sir, I think we can arrange this matter 
without that. How much money will you take to go away, 'uever let us see 
your ugly face again? 

Major. In a pecuniary estimate, please to remember that charm which 
you possess for me ; my heart understands almost all you say. 

Clara. I tl3!nk sometimes that you understand all, that your heart as you 
;all it, hears any thing you choose from anybody. 

Major. A while ago, my dear young lady I said that you were inexpe- 
rienced, unsophisticated. I retract — your perceptive faculties do you honor. 

Clara. Then you admit you do hear every thing? 

Major. I believe we all hear alike, except your unfortunate parent, my 
perspective father-in-law. 

Mr, B. {furiously) And I hear too, you scoundrel, and I'll see you 
hanged first! {both skirmish around appropriately. 

Clara. Oh, papa, you hear ? 

Mr. B. Yes, I hear. You'd run away would you. {strides to tJ.e door) 
Here you young rascal, come here, zounds ! Will you try to keep up the 
fraud ? {siezes a book and hurls it out the door at Charlie. 

Enter Charlie, c. 

Charlie. Eh? What did you say? 

Mr. B. [catclii'iig him by the collar, shaking him violently) If you ever say 
that again, I'll murder you! 

Clara, {rushing between them) Oh, papa, papa, don't hurt hira. 

Charlie. What the deuce does he mean by shaking me up as if I were a 
cocktail? 

Major, {aside) If I were only on the other side of the table ! 

Mr. B. It meant that I have regained my hearing, to learn that I am 
"A soulless old ruffian, who ought to have his head knocked against someone 
else's." 

Charlie, {-freeing himself) Yea, if you have any idea of marrying this 
good and lovely young girl to that rascally adventurei-'over there, for the 
gratification of some insane whim of yours, I don't hesitate to say what I 
tbink, that you are a soulless old ruffian, and deserve to have your head 
knocked to all eternity, and I'd like to be the man to do it! 

Mr. B. Spoken like a man! And I shall respect you all the more for 
saying it, for I begin to believe you were about right, as for him — I forgot 
him, forgot for a moment, I was so mad at you. 

{they both dodge first one way and another around the table. 

Major. Excuse me, I think there is a mistake some where. 

Mr. B. Oh, there is a mistake is there? Do you know who I am? I am 
a "Selfish old dunderhead," and I'm going to prove a "Terrible nuisance" 
to you. Do you hear? {making a clutch after him. 

Major. Hold on, let us reason this thing, we can't talk at this rate you 
know. 

Mr. B. Well, what have you got to say? 



10 EH? WHAT DID YOU SAY? 

Major. Just this, were not my expressions correct? Now, that you can 
hear again, you see you don't like to have a man say to you, *^'Eh? What 
did you say?" {Mr. Belden makes another dive at him, which he eludes) 
You can imagine what a nuisance you were, and to think of bringing an- 
other such a creature into your family to make your daughter miserable, 
and to pick up an adventurer like me, of whom you know nothing, as your 
chosen man. 

Mr. B. Major I forgive you; 1 did deserve it all. {they shake hands. 

Charlie. But see here Major, you and I have a little account to settle. 

Major. Who began between us ? Is it my misfortune, or my fault do 
yoii think, that I look like a "Thing robbed body and raiment from a dozen 
graves?" Would I not be fat, fare sumptously, go robed in purple and fine 
linen every day if I could, do you think ? 

Charlie. Let's shake hands and cry quits. I blush to remember my un- 
generous insults to your poverty." 

Major. And now, that mj role is ended, permit me to doff my borrowed 
plumes as Major Joseph Vandeleur, and introduce myself to you as plain 
"Gus Wight," who has seeii better days, and is better known as Clarence 
Fitzherbert Booth Macready, dramatic reader, and teacher , of elocution. 
I expect to organize a class in this place, and will be proud to receive your 
patronage and countenance. 

Mr. B. You may depend on us, after dinner we will — [very loud, dinner 
bell) Heavens! What an infernal uproar! Stop that bell, stop itl 

Servant pokivg his head in at c. 

Serva7it. Eh ? What did you say ? 

Mr. Belden charges furiously out after him, the rest laughingly follow. 



CURTAIN. 



Ames' Plays— Continued. 



M. F. 

4 4 

5 3 



150 Quiet Family 

51. Ees(>ued , 

j 110 Reverses. 12 6 

45 Hock Allen 5 3 

I 96 Rooms to Let 2 1 

171 Roughi Diamond 6 3 

59 Saved 2 3 

48 Schnaps 1 1 

107 School 5 

I 133 Seeing Bosting 3 

j 138 Sewing Circle of Period.. 5 

115 S. H. A. M. Pinafore 5 3 

! 55 Somebody's Xobodv 3 2 

' 94 16,000 Years Ago .' 3 

j 23 Sport with a Sportsman... 2 

79 Spy of Atlanta, 25c.. 14 3 

92 Stage Struck Darkey 2 I 

10 Stocks Up, Stocks Down.. 2 

137 Taking the Census 1 1 

62 Ten Nights in Bar-Room 7 3 

G4 That Boy Sam 3 1 

40 That Mysterious B'dle ... 2 2 

38 The Bewitched Closet 5 2 

87 The Biter Bit 5 2 

131 The Cigarette 4 2 

144 Thekla 6 7 

101 The Coming Man 3 1 

67 The False Friend 6 1 

97 The Fatal Blow 7 1 

119 The Forty-iS^iners ., 10 4 



XO. M. p. I 

93 The Gentleman in Black 9 4 

112 The New Magdalen ...., 8 3 

118 The Popcorn Man 3 1; 

71 The Reward of Crime 5 3 

16 The Serf 6 3 

68 The Sham Professor 4 ' 

6 The Studio 3 

102 Turn of the Tide 7 4 

54 The Two T. J's 4 2\ 

7 The Vow of the Ornani .. 8 1 | 
28 Thirty-three nxtBriihd'y 4 2i 

108 Those Awful Boys 5 : 

63 Three Glasses a Day 4 2' 

105 Through Suow and Sun- 
shine 6 4' 

142 Tit for Tat 2 1 ' 

4 Twain's Dodging 3 1 j 

151 Wanted a Husband 2 1 ' 

5 When Women Weep 3 2 

121 Will-o'-the-Wisp 9 4i 

56 Wooing Under Difficulties 4 3 ; 

41 Won at Last 7 3 1 

70 Which will he Marry 2 8 | 

135 Widower's Trials 5 4 | 

58 Wrecked 9 3 1 

147 Waking Him Up ., 1 2 I 

155 Why they Joined the Re- 

beccas 4 I 

156 Wig-Maker and His Ser- I 

vants 3 o| 

111 Yankee Duelist 2 2 I 



Wilkiiis' Amateur JDraiiiii^. 

Designed for the use of schools, amateur entertainments, etc. This 
volume contains the following plays: Rock Allen the Orphan, or Lost 
and Found ; Three Glasses a Day, or the Broken Home; Mother's Fool ; 
The Reward of Crime, or the Love of Gold; The Coming Man ; The 
Turn of the Tide, or Wrecked in Port; Hash. Neatly bound in cloth, 
price 75 cents. 

Happy Frank's Comic Song and Jolte BooU. — Contains a 
choice collection of original songs, joker., conundrums, stump speeches, 
etc. It also contains one complete Dutch sketch, one negro farce, and 
one negro sketch. Fifteen cents per copy. 

^^ Please I5,ememl>er that we can fill your orders for any 
play, dialogue book, speaker, guide book, piece of music, or anything 
in the line of amateur supplies such as wigs, beards, mustaches, face 
powders, paints, colored fires, lightning — in a word, anything you may 
find yourself in need of. We shall be ready to answer your letters of 
inquiry at any time, and invite correspondence. In remitting please 
send a postal note, or a money order, where they can be obtained, or 
small amounts may be sent in one or two cent postage stamps. 

Address A. D. AMES, Pub., Clyde, Ohio. 



Hints To Amateurs 



By a. D. AMES. 



A book of lu-eful informal ion for Amateurs and others, written expressly for 
those who are giving public entertainments — and who wish to make their efforts suc- 
cessful—containing much information never before given. Mr. Ames has had many 
years experience, and in this work gives many hints which cannot fail to be of great 
benefit to all. The following subjects are treated in a clear and concise manner: 
The effects of the drama on the mind — The dramatic club a means of charity — Use- 
ful hints — Necessity of a book of plain instructions — Formation of a dramatic 
company— Duties of the manager— Assigning parts— Duty of the prompter— Duty 
of the property man — Music for plays — liehearsals — Hints — Best methods of 
studying — Stage laughs — Speaking loud — Articulation — How to be prompted — 
Getting the back to the audience— Making up— How to burn a colored fire— How 
to make fuses — To make a rain storm — To make thunder — To make lightning — 
To make a wind storm— Imitation of clouds— Imitation of waves— How to pro- 
duce a crash— How to produce snow— Success on the stage— A short history of the 
drama — Scene painting — The painter — Difficulties in scene painting — How to act 
— Macready's Method. Sent by mail, post-paid, on receipt of 15c per copy. 

COLORED TABLEAU LIGHTS.— For use in Tableaux and Illuminations, and 
to heighten the effect of stage scenes, especially in spectacular plays. As these lights 
contain no sulphur, they are not subject to spontaneous combustion, and burn with 
less smoke and odor than any other similar compounds. They emit an intense light, 
requiring no reflector. They are made in red and green only. We are putting up our 
Colored Fires in a box containing enough material for one light, with fuses ready for 
use for 25c by mail. Per one-half pound, SI. 00. Per pound (by express), $1.50. Per 
poi.nd (by mail) $1.75. 

MAGNESIUM TABLEAU LIGHTS.— Are first-class for the following reasons: 
They do not smoke; are always ready; they will not explode; they are easily ignited: 
are wonderfully brilliant, burning with an intensity of 74 stearins candles; are per- 
fectly safe under all circumstances. They can easily and safely be sent to any part 
of the United States. One of these magnesium lights will be amply sufficient for two 
tableaux, unless they are unusually long. We will send theui by mail for twenty- 
five cents each, and prepay all charges. 

LIGHTNING FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS.— Very many dramas containing 
storms, which unless given in ail artistic manner are more laughable than otherwise. 
To make them successful good lightning is essential. We will send a package of 
material for this purpose, with full printed directions for its use, to any address, for 
50 cents. The effect produced by it will be found all that can be desired. 

WILKINS' AMATEUR DRAMAS.— Designed expressly for the use of Schools; 
Amateur Dramatic and<Church entertainments. This volume contains the follow- 
ing plays: Rock Allen the Orphan, or Lost and Found; Three Glasses a Day, or the 
Broken Home; Mother's Fool; The Reward of Crime, or the Love of Gold; The 
Coming Man; The Turn of the Tide, or Wrecked in Port; Hash. Neatly bound in 
cloth, price 75 cents. 

SPIRIT POWDER.— For fastening whiskers or mustache to the face. Will ad- 
here very strongly in the hottest weather. Price per package 25 cents. 

HAPPY FRANK'S COMIC SONG AND JOKE BOOK.-Contains a choice col- 
lection of original songs, jokes, conundrums, stump speeches, etc. In addition to 
the above, it also contains one complete Dutch sketch, one Ethiopean farce, and a 
Negro sketch, all of which have never been published. Price 15 per copy. 



I^ew Jtliisit' — Every Piece a Cweni. 

MY NAME VAS HEINRICH HANS.-A roaring Dutch song, words by W. H. 
Spangler, jr., music by F. 0. Wilson. A great success and pronoiiueed by both press 
and public the greatest hit of many years. Price 30 cents. 

DERE VAS EIN LEEDLE DEITCHER GAL.-A capital Dutch song for male 
voices, words by W. H. Spangler, jr., music by F. 0. Wilson, Can be used as a solo, 
or as a solo and chorus. Price 30 cents. 

A HEALTH TO OUR HOSTESS.— A male quartette, words by W. H. Spangler, 
_ir_ wordsbvF_^, Wilson, It is sure to please all who purchase it. Price 30 cents. 

I Tnnyvn%# «.- ^^^.^^^ Address all Orders to A. D. AMES, Publisher, 

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS f Lock Box 102. Clyde, Ohio. 




017 401 487 5 % 



